No Longer Silent: Finding Your Voice After The Pain You Hid

Welcome to Purpose of Heart, the podcast, where real stories meet God's promises. I'm Priscilla Allman, and every week we dive into powerful conversations about purpose and the pressure through caregiving, illness, grief, addiction, and more. If you've ever asked God, where are you in this? You're in the right place. Be sure to follow the show and let's find purpose together. Some stories are easy to tell. Some are not. Some carry layers of pain, of silence, and of moments that no one else saw. And yet, within those same stories is a thread of resilience, of healing, and of hope that can only come from God. Today's conversation is one that carries both weight and hope, the kind that reminds us that even in life's most painful places, purpose can still be born. I have the honor of sitting with a woman who wears many beautiful titles. She's a mother of three, a proud grandmother, lovingly called Yomi the Five. She has served faithfully, caring for others with compassion. But there is also a deeper story that God has been writing through her life. She shares that years ago, in what seemed like an ordinary moment, sitting in traffic in Los Angeles, she felt a stirring in her spirit. A quiet but undeniable call that she was going to write a book. And from that moment, everything began to shift. Because her story didn't begin in ease, it began in pain. As a child as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, she has walked through valleys that many never speak about. But instead of allowing this pain to define her, she has made the courageous decision to place it in God's hands and allow him to transform it into purpose. I'm reminded of Genesis chapter 50, verse 20. But as for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good. And this truth is alive in her story. Today, she's a trauma coach and an international speaker, helping others find language for their pain, healing for their hearts, and hope for their future. Her life is a reminder that healing is possible, that your story is not over, and that what tried to break you can, by God's grace, be the very thing that helps set others free. And at the center of her story are some scriptures, some truths from God's words that carried her when everything else felt way too heavy. Let's lean in with open hearts as we welcome her today. Welcome to Pope is a part, the podcast. Thank you for having me. It's so great to see you.

You too. You look wonderful being here. It was great seeing you in Paris.

It was lovely to meet you there as well. Yes. Yes. So tell us a little bit. Okay. Well, first I want to thank you for being here and also for your willingness to share your story. Thank you so much. Um because I just want to acknowledge the fact that it, you know, takes a lot of courage to be um so willing to be to talk about something so deeply personal. Um and just to let you know that your voice matters and your story matters. Um and I believe it will truly bring a blessing to the listeners today. So we can start whenever you feel comfortable and share a little bit of um your story and the journey that you've walked through.

Okay. Well, if you don't mind, I'll go back to um the beginning. Um, I had an uncle that sexually abused me from the time I was five years old till the time I was about 13 years old. So eight years of year after year sexual abuse. Um and I did have the courage to tell my mother when I was about five or six years old. I mean, when it first happened, because I didn't like it, I knew it was wrong, something didn't feel right, and she told me no one would believe me. Right then and there, I lost my voice. Thank you. I um so I went through life. I had children, I got married, I went through years of decisions that probably shouldn't have been mine to make. Um, I had a about with um, I mean, I mentioned it in my second book, about with uh addiction and about with um sexual promiscuity that all stems from a lot of the um, you know, from what sexual abuse happens to you. And when it happens to you, you don't see it at the time, but later on, when you're going through it, you know, after you've gone through it, say, oh yeah, you know what, I didn't have the tools, you know, to to, you know, but one night, and I'm gonna fast forward after all kinds of uh, you know, my my first my son was turning five years old. This is before I even had my daughter. I was about 32 years old. And I started having flashbacks. Flashbacks of the abuse, which were it was terrific. It was really intense. And if nobody knows what a flashback is, it is intense dreams or like vivid memories of the abuse itself. Um, and um one night I woke up in the middle of the night and I just went, ran to the bathroom and I looked in the mirror and I saw my uncle's face behind me.

Wow.

And it was just, yeah, it was really freaky. And my husband just basically held me to to stop shaking, and he couldn't like honestly, we didn't know what was going on. Needless to say, I had a three and a five-year-old, and I had not a lot of sleep anyway in those days. But this really was um starting to shake me to my core. I believe it's because that was the age that my son was turning. So I believe it was the the age that it happened to me that I may have subconsciously started having those flashbacks. But so I wasn't having a lot of sleep. And fast forward maybe a week or so, I don't know what was going on. I was having the best sleep of my life, really, and like just not dreaming, nothing. And all of a sudden, I was woken up by another vivid dream. And all of a sudden, I saw Jesus dying on the cross. And I knew of Jesus. I didn't know him, know him. I didn't know that he wanted a personal relationship with me and everybody else. Um, but I saw him it. I want to describe it, and I watched it last night, Passion of the Christ, um, which is very vivid. And if you haven't seen it, yeah, you probably have. But I mean, if you haven't seen Passion of the Christ, it's extremely rough to watch, extremely vivid. But Passion of the Christ was not out for another 10 years when I had that dream. And so if that's not a God thing, I don't know what is. I mean, God just started working on me. And what's so cool about God is he took me over the last 20 years. You know, I did therapy, I've done the 12 steps. I'm not gonna go into everything I've done, but I've done, you know, secular, non-secular, like Christian counseling for myself, 12 steps for codependency to figure out because I always wanted to figure out I have to help me, you know, like what's going on. So I basically um uh based to give I one night um after all this, and I did trainings and things, you know, just a lot, a lot to train on myself. And then I was living out in California at the time and I was sitting in traffic on the 405, go figure traffic on the 405. And I heard in my right ear almost, you're gonna write a book. And I was like, okay, you know, I was thinking about helping people and I was thinking about starting an online business. I was thinking about many things, and then God just clearly said to me, You're gonna write a book. And I'm just going, okay. So it took me, I started to write the book. I said, Lord, I'm gonna write the book. I'm gonna be, I'm gonna do what you say, Lord. And what's funny is I had to write it over four times because I wasn't, I it was just basically I was getting all the feelings out at first because seeing it on paper kind of affected me. And then I met a publisher while in while in a class one one you know that year, and she was starting her business, I was starting mine, and we both said, I said, you want to publish a book for me? And she said, Yeah, great. And she she goes, then I sent it to her and she goes, You have about four books, three or four books in you. So I've written two, but haven't done the other yet. But uh so I sent her the last copy of the first book, Draw Your Eyes Girl. And she said, It's fire. We're gonna go with this. And it made bestseller within a week of writing it. And it was just telling. Now that book, Draw Your Eyes Girl, is more for the I mean, a tween could read it. Like my granddaughter, my 12-year-old granddaughter, she read it a couple of years ago when she was about 11. She read some of it, and she's it was that relatable to younger, the generation of the younger girls or boys. Now, boys go through this too. So just because it's called Dryer Eyes Girl doesn't mean it's necessarily just for girls. I want to make that clear. Or dryer eyes woman, my second book. Um, the reason I chose those names is because I'm a woman and I was a girl, and that's the only reason. So um it's relatable to this, to the younger girls, or you know, up to I would say 12 to whatever age. You know, if you can, if you're old enough to read, if you're nine and you and you can read it, then definitely, because it basically allows the girls to find their voice, to figure out. Um, I don't want to go too much into it in case people want to read it, but if you find that voice, they're safe people, good touch, bad touch, um, just a lot of the things in there. And my second book, Dry Your Eyes Woman, is about the decisions that we make stemming from childhood sexual abuse. So basically, it's not even just from sexual abuse. If you've been abandoned, if you've been neglected, any type of childhood trauma, and you make one bad decision in your life, I think Dry Your Eyes Woman is a perfect book to read because it really honestly stems. I touch a lot on every subject. I touch on grief, I touch on abortion, I touch on um faith, I touch on lack of I just touch on a lot of subjects in that second book. It gets a lot deeper, domestic violence, etc. Um, and then and that's it. I'm here now. And that was the healing journey. You know, I lean on God, God, that God is my go-to. Um, I asked him for the second book earlier to help me write it because I didn't have to write it over four times. So it worked out the first time. Um, yeah, that's about it. I mean, I'm here now and I'm you know, I just love Jesus.

Yeah, I want to pull out a couple of the things that you were talking about. Because when you first said that, like you first started having those flashbacks um when your son had turned five. I was gonna ask, like, I wonder if that was because he was the age, but I think that you had suggested also that that was your thoughts as well, to be like, oh, now that your kid is this same age, like maybe it just subconsciously brought about some sort of um reminder of that. And that's really it's very interesting. Um, I would have to like study about that more, actually.

And now my grandchildren, I have two five-year-old grandchildren also. So, I mean, obviously it doesn't affect me the way it did back when Danny was turning five, but I think about it now. Like I'm on, like I'm I'm I'm speaking where we met, we spoke um on podcasts like yourself. I I honestly don't know where the five-year-old thing is coming from, but that would be a great thing to research. Yeah, I didn't think about it.

But what your story has also brought out, too, is that um, you know, the dreams that you were having, it reminded me a little bit of Hagar, where um, you know, after Sarah had like banished her, and she's like out there in the wilderness, like she named the place Beer La Hyroi, the God who sees, right? Because he met her there in her circumstance. And so, like, yeah, you might not you you knew of God, right? Like before, but like then he came to you and that brought you and drew you closer to him, and that's such a beautiful thing. He's like, you know what? I see you, my daughter, and then you know, like this thing that you went through is not just the thing, it's gonna be something that you heal from and then help others, you know, later with it too.

God's cool that way, isn't he? Yeah.

For sure. You spoke a little bit about silence um in your Draw Your Eyes Girl. Right. And so, like, so often experiences like this are carried in silence. Um, many people kind of can feel alone with what they've gone through. Did you ever have like experiences where you felt that no one truly understood what you were going through? Or do you feel like that now?

I felt that way for 27 years. I felt that no one had gone through what I went through. I felt shameful, I felt guilt, condemnation. I felt like maybe my uncle didn't do anything that bad after all. Um, and that's all a lie from the pit of hell. I don't feel that way anymore. And I want people to know that if they feel that way, then please listen to the Lord. Turn off your ear to the I I plink Satan off of my left shoulder and I pat God on my right shoulder. It's actually like the old cartoons remember the devil and the the angel sitting on one, and it's almost true. It's like, you know, shut up, get behind me, Satan, in the mighty name of Jesus. You're not gonna lie to me anymore. And I have to say it, if I have to say it 50 times a day till I believe it, then you have to say 50 times a day to believe it. I mean, it just it just God will work with you, but it's not sometimes it won't happen overnight. It's this has been a process, you know, a long process now. Um, but yeah, that's a good question. Yeah, for sure.

I think many people feel that way. So honestly, though, no, that's you know, there are probably listeners now that will be able to really resonate with that feeling of not being understood or feeling like they can't speak up about it for whatever for whatever reason. Um and if you're listening today, I want to echo you know the words that Christina just said, like you don't have to stay silent, you're not alone. And your story matters, your pain is seen. Um we talked a little bit about your turning point um in your healing journey, but can you talk a little bit about the verse or verses of scripture that helped to carry you through?

Absolutely. Um during the the whole healing process, I lean, I lean, lean, lent, leaned on Jeremiah 29, 11. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope in a future. And now I I mean I love that scripture and I love Romans 8, 28. Yeah, um, God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. No matter, no matter what you go through, God can help you work it out. He's there for you, he doesn't abandon us, he doesn't leave us, even if we feel so alone and he's a million miles away, he's not, he's right there. All you have to do is ask him, you know.

Yeah, his presence is so encouraging. Right? To know that there's someone that's always there, like even though we may walk through things that are just not cool and just really terrible. Yeah, he loves us and cares for us and is like there for us at all times, no matter what.

Yeah, like David said, Psalm 23, I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Yeah, it's awesome. God's cool that way. And what's funny is um I'm gonna mention a little bit about forgiveness because another turning part of my turning point was having to forgive. I had to forgive not only my uncle, which took a while, I had to forgive my mother. Part of my healing journey, and I mentioned it in in I think both books actually, that my mother and I I was going through part of my healing, my therapy, was number one, asking my dad, would he have believed me? And my older brother. And when I asked them, I sat them all down to dinner, I said, Dad, would you have believed me if I told you? And that's the first time I ever saw my father cry. He said, Of course I would have believed you. And my brother did too. And my brother's only three years older than me. Nobody, nothing ever happened to anyone else in the family, thank God, but me. And until I mentioned later on um in my second book with my with my daughter, and that's a whole other conversation. But nothing really, thank God, God protected her. But it could have been worse than it was. That's later on in you know in life. Um, but what I was saying was I had to write my mother a letter. And um I wrote her a letter that I didn't send, tore it up, and then I wrote her a letter that I did send. She called me up. This was the beginning of cell phones, and I remember sitting in the car, and she said to me, if I had known, I said, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, mom, you knew. I told you when I was about five years old. And then she stopped and she says, Honey, I just didn't believe you, and I'm so sorry. And I said, Mom, that's all I needed. I could, I just needed you to say you were sorry. And we cried. And my mom has a long history of why she didn't believe me. And I go into detail in that in the books. I won't go into detail, but it is there's reasons why she didn't believe, which my brother explained to me after she passed. Um, yeah, but she accepted Jesus six months before she passed, and we were closer than ever before she before she died in 2007 on Christmas Day. So yeah. So I mean, yeah, I have had to find forgiveness.

But there's lots of reconciliation and redemption in that story too. And it was beautiful that it it ended well.

Yes.

Yes. That you that your you know, like your last memories were not. Yeah, yeah. Definitely. You know, um is not like it's not always linear. Steps forward, and sometimes there are moments that can feel like steps back. As you went through your healing journey, were there's what were some of the things that sort of helped you to move forward?

Um well, knowing my dad would have believed me. That I like I just mentioned, and knowing, and then my mom that helped me. Having people in my life that were that I felt like I didn't have support when I was little support me finally. Um mainly my my parents. And I the reason I can talk so openly about it now is because I've gone to them and I was able to talk about what happened to me. Um and knowing that I could help others, I think I just knowing I can help others really helps helps me still. But the healing, it's a process, you know, it doesn't happen overnight. Um, and I want people to know that it because I'm not the most patient person in the world either. Unfortunately, God created me a little impatient. Um, my mother said I came out impatient, but I think that people get to realize if they can go through the process and just trust God. Because I don't, I can't do anything without Him. I wouldn't have done it without Jesus. And like he had to be like, even when I didn't think he was there, I I honestly was like felt so alone and felt like, why would you let this happen? But now I'm just like, no, he was there. And he like any good parent, it broke his heart. What I went through, what people go through, what the you know, people, survivors of CSA and I mean of childhood sexual abuse, um, survivors, sometimes they're jaded with the world, you know, and then they make decisions based on being jaded, which are not of truth. They're based on their trauma. So going forward, you can, if you lean on the Lord, you can kind of say, okay, Lord, which way are you gonna steer me? He's not gonna want you to go and live with that domestic violence because I was in an eight-year domestic violence relationship. Also, I've been financially abused. So that I mean, we're talking to get from here to where I am now. It took from A to B to C. And that's what I teach my clients when I'm coaching them. I said, we're not gonna go and expect results tomorrow. You got to go from A to B to C, etc., not from A to Z. Does that make sense?

Well, it makes sense. And honestly, that's part of sometimes the hardest part. Like I like like you, I am just very much like I like things done yesterday. So amen. Should have been a quicker process. Why is it taking so long? I know learn along the journey that you would have learned if it happened so quickly. Um, and that's something that you know, I feel like God is bringing through me sometimes too. Like, Priscilla, you know, it has to take, you know, some time because you know, sometimes I've been like, you know, I should probably be maybe a little bit more patient. And then I remember one time I was like, God, you know, when I said that, I just meant like patient for five minutes, not for like 10 years. Like we weren't supposed to be doing like Lord, a week, not 10 years, exactly. Exactly. It's just, it's very um, it's very interesting the journeys that he takes us on. But if we're willing to walk with him, it always leads back to him and always like just a fruitful and abundant life. Worth it, yeah, for sure. Yeah. Do you want to say anything else or share a little bit more about how you support women?

Um, well, not only by telling my story, I do coach. Um, I'm not a therapist. Um, I have multiple different coaching programs. I have four different options on my coaching program. So it goes from, so they're all on my my calendly, which my website leads to my calendly, or if they email me, um, and I could give you that now, or I could give it to you later. I don't know when you want that, but um email me is probably the best way to go so I can send links um to have them check the options. There's like a 10-minute one, then there's a a one-hour, and then there's a month-long group session. I coach groups, and then there's a 13-week well, one week we get to know each other. So it's 12 weeks of one-on-one coaching with me. So there's there's quite a few options for sure. Yeah. And I just want to help people. I just I think people are worth, I want them to find their voice and to know how much they matter, you know, for sure.

There's something just so beautiful and so meaningful about how God can take once where it was like a place of pain and turn it into a place of like purpose and like healing. Yeah. Not because you know, the pain was never or ever meant to happen, but how he can use it to like redeem what was broken.

Like like you mentioned in Genesis, Joseph said to his brothers, you know, God turns it around for good.

And that ties in beautifully, right, with Romans 8 28.

Oh, that's the best.

Yeah, it works together. Yep. All things for sure. So for our listeners today who may be carrying similar experiences, I want to take a moment to speak directly to you. You may feel unseen, you may feel that your story is too heavy, you may feel like healing is far away. But your story does not end in what happened to you. There's still purpose ahead, there's still healing available, and there's still a God who loves you and sees you deeply. What we've heard today is not just a story of survival, it's a story of resilience, of faith in the midst of pain, of a God who remains present even in the midst of the most difficult chapters of life. And sometimes it's verses of scripture that becomes the light that carries us forward. What a powerful and beautiful conversation that we've just had together. There's something so humbling about witnessing a life that has walked through deep pain and yet chose healing purpose and chosen to help others along the way. Thank you so much for being here. I really appreciate it.

Welcome. You're very welcome and thank you.

As we close, I do want to return to the truth that we anchored ourselves in the beginning, which we just quoted a minute ago, which you wouldn't even have known that I wanted to do this in Genesis 50, 20. But as for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant for good. That verse isn't just something that is read, it's something that we've heard lived out today. What was meant to harm, God is still able to redeem. What tried to silence, he can use as a voice to bring healing to many. And what once felt like brokenness can, by his grace, be a bridge to someone else's freedom. This conversation spoke to you. I want to encourage you to not sit on it, to reflect on it, pray on it, and if you need to, take the first step toward your own healing journey. And as always, remember that your story isn't over. God is still writing, still restoring, and still working all things together for good. Thank you so much, everyone, for joining us in Purpose of Heart the podcast. We'll see you in the next episode. Thanks so much, Christina. You're very welcome. God bless you. Thanks for listening to Purpose of Heart the Podcast at www.purpose of heartpodcast.com. Make sure you hit that subscribe button so you never miss an episode. There's so much more God is doing, and I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you in advance for the reviews and shares. They help this message reach more hearts. I can't wait to walk with you again in next week's episode. See you there.